At Least My Life Is Kinda Like Salute Your Shorts

My life isn't nearly enough like mid-90s Nickelodeon hit Pete and Pete. I think I need to take a Riboflavin supplement, or something. Man, FWPs

Runner's World Problems, Part Whatever

The zipper on my free Nike jacket from work keeps getting stuck. Man, FWPs

Fact:

As a rich white person, I have to create my own adversity.

Bikinis, Tankinis, Martinis, No Weenies

"Do," said my friend about to head on a spur-of-the-moment trip to the Bahamas, "you have any idea how hard it is to find a swimsuit at this time of year?"

SLAMmed

Where is my new SLAM Magazine, already? Man, FWPs

"Where The Hell IS My Car?"

. . . muttered the man leaving the gourmet grocery store as he pushed the unlock button on his Audi keychain while looking both confused and perturbed. Man, FWPs

I'm Supposed To Be Thankful For This?!?

I know my neighbors (for whom I am dog-sitting, and thus have a key to their duplex) have a food processor (which I need to make my Cranberry-Apple-Orange Relish) somewhere, so why can I only find the fucking blender? Man, FWPs

"Talk About 'The Wrong Stuff'"

Stuck at a party where apparently no one else likes Armageddon? L.A. SPACE DEMENTIA.

A Blogger Must Know His Audience, Part Deux

Only just now did I realize that the Blogger stat tracker has an option that allows me to have it not count my own pageviews. If I had only known this earlier, I could have gained a much more accurate picture of my readership, and done a better job of giving them just what they wanted--nay, needed! Man, FWPs

Did We Just Make The Big-Time, Or Did We Just Get Scooped?

Plagiarism.* Man, FWPs

*Or, more accurately, someone having the same idea as us, but doing it way better.

A Blogger Must Know His Audience

I don't know whether the Heather McPhee who signed on as the first non-author follower of one of my other blogs is the US Winter Olympian Heather McPhee (about whom I said some rather unflattering things in one post), NFL Players Association Associate General Counsel Heather McPhee (who might be preparing a suit for libel against us), or another Heather McPhee altogether. And not knowing who reads the things that I write on the interwebs is kind of unsettling (I mean, isn't the internet supposed to be private or something?). Man, FWPs

"Your peanut costume sucks[, Christian]. What are you, a potato?"

"I have the hiccups." -Christian

"Throughout The Series, Harry Potter Has Struggled With The Inherent Difficulties Of Adolescence Along With Being A Famous Wizard."

-Wikipedia (edited for brevity)

Wow--a cracking voice, hair in funny places, feelings you don't understand (and that you're quite sure nobody else could), and being a famous wizard? Man, FWPs

Parteesh Doesn't Even Know He's Auditioning

"Now where the fuck are my slippers?!?" Man, FWPs

You call yourself an artist?

Subway "Sandwich Artists" basically have to do one fucking thing: wrap up the sandwich right. I went to Subway, they didn't wrap my sandwich right, and the sauce and ingredients fell out on the way home, which ruined my day and made me righteously indignant. Man, FWPs

I can't eat food this way

I went to Taco Bell and they didn't have any fire sauce. How am I expected to eat T-Bell without my 3 packets of fire sauce? Man, FWPs

I Do Not Know How To Express Two Emotions At The Same Time

I have to forge a check (due to being: broke; left alone in LA to handle "things") just to mercy kill my poor old dog. Man, FWPs

Ohh, Papa!

I want to eat my Papa John's pizza now, but we don't have any Cholula in the car. Man, FWPs

This Is Really, Really Serious

I just watched the first two parts (147 minutes) of "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" on StageVu, but the last hour (which includes the battle of Helms fucking Deep!!1!) is nowhere to be found. Man, FWPs

The Luxuries Of Ice, Indeed

Our electric bill is so high because we always have to have the AC on this time of year. Man, FWPs

And This Surprises Me . . . Why, Exactly?

Target does not have a good selection of bath mats. Man, FWPs

See, I Always Told You I Was A Dumb Jock

The beginning of fantasy football season is totally messing with my focus on the end of my fantasy baseball season. Man, FWPs

The Interwebs Are So Complicated

The apartment's wireless connection kept cutting out during my fantasy football draft, and I couldn't sign on on either of my roommate's smartphones quick enough to make my last three picks. Man, FWPs

Blackberrys Are Second-Class Citizens

My roommate's new iPhone recognizes songs on the radio much quicker than my BlackBerry. Man, FWPs

Road Trip, Part Deux

I filled up in Connecticut, where gas was $3.00/gallon, ie, 30 to 50 cents more than in any other state along the Eastern Seaboard. Man, FWPs

Road Trip

The Jersey Turnpike just claimed a small portion of my soul. And also $9.05 in tolls. Man, FWPs

I have to listen to people sincerely discuss the "luxury of ice". Man, the firstest of FWPs

"I've got a lot to say about ice, okay? You see these big cracks in the ice tray? The water always goes down and forms a solid block below the actual cubes. Seriously, look." Man, FWPs

When I Was Your Age . . .

Kids these days--so soft. Man, FWPs

You People.

You know what you did. Man, FWPs

Ungh

The jailbreak for iOS4 (Iphone) isn't out yet which means everytime I get a new text message on my phone I have to close the app I'm in (which takes like a million seconds) to read and respond to it. This afternoon I was busy harvesting crops in Farmville when I got a text. By the time my farm reloaded after responding all of my raspberries had gone bad and I couldn't harvest them!!! Seriously, like 10,000 coins down the drain!!#@%

Does A Walkie-Talkie Still Count As Technology?

My walkie-talkie doesn't clip into its holster solidly (yes, directors all carry around walkie-talkies at camp--ridiculous, I know), so it keeps falling out whenever I move faster than a walk, attempt to take two stairs at a time, or stop abruptly. Man, FWPs

My HTC Is Just Smart Enough To Fail

After 5 years of the same phone (which was used by 5 people before me including my father who doesn't have a cellphone and my grandmother) I finally went out and got a smart phone. It can do just about anything and it tries too. After signing into facebook and gmail on it, it pulled all my contacts from those sites and automatically added them to my contact list. In order to not have 2 to 3 listings for the same contact (one with their gmail, one with their phone number and one with their facebook profile--profile pictures and statuses automatically pull to the contact) I had to go in and allow the phone to link each contact individually. To add insult to injury, I think there is a way I could have done it automatically, but given my distrust in technology, I didn't allow it to when I first turned on the phone and then didn't know how to go back and change the preference. Man, FWPs

My Computer Is Too New

My new job got me a brand new MacBook but since it is the newest and most up-to-date model no one knows how to set up the standard office systems on it. Man, FWPs

Microsoft Works . . . Or Does It?

The computer in my office at camp doesn't have Microsoft Office. If my job were being described by a TV Guide sitcom synopsis writer, it would have to be said that "hilarity ensues" every time I try to open or print a Word document. Man, FWPs

'Smart' Phone

My new phone is smarter than I am. It found all my facebook contacts and automatically imported their contact info and profile pictures to my contacts list. It simultaneously replaced the couple profile pictures I had carefully selected for friend's profiles taken on the fancy built in camera. Now I can't figure out how to get the pictures I took to replace the facebook profile pictures. Man, FWPs

One Time, At Band Camp

They shut off the wireless internet at the summer camp I'm working at because kids try to sneak in iWhatevers with wifi capability. So now, when I want to use the interwebs, I have to go over to the director housing next door and actually plug an ethernet cable into the router. Man, FWPs

If Only She Had An iPad

I had to use my boss's iPhone to post on Twitter in real time about a media event we ewre hosting, and the phone's color scheme was thoroughly emasculating: purple, with pink trim. Man, FWPs

De Jure/De Facto/De Licious

Does liking primary colored M&Ms make me "Jim Crow racist", or is that "reading too much into things"? Man, FWPs

The Rigors of Academia

Recently, finishing my thesis has gotten in the way of my more important writing: blog posts. Man, FWPs

P.F. Chang's? Really?

"Ordinarily, walking out of P.F. Chang’s and finding a flat tire on his Escalade would have qualified as a bad day for Mike Cameron." Man, FWPs

Katharine's Audition Tape (Cont'd.)

LLBean.com will only let me monogram my custom designed boat and tote in navy blue thread, when I specifically wanted the tan thread I know is available in store. Man, FWPs

Irish Blood, Pussy's Heart

after checking into my hostel in dublin and politely requesting a bottom bunk, they still gave me a top bunk. not even the 10 hours' sleep i got in my overpriced b&b from last night can make up for that. Man, FWPs

Boss's World Problems: Jet-Setting Like A Pro

My boss is supposed to fly to London on Wednesday for the London Marathon. She's worried she's not going to make it because of that Icelandic volcano that hates people with travel plans. But then, if she does make it, she's worried that her flight back stateside will be canceled, and if that happens she'll miss her flight to Cozumel the next day. Man, FWPs

We Are In A Recession

After telling my boss I wasn't coming back next year, I got offered 2.5 new jobs within the network. Now I have to decided if I want to be employed in CA, Albaquerquee NM or Denver CO. Man, FWPs

Capturing Externalites To The Transaction? Capturing Shmexternalities To The Transaction!

Do I really have to wear trash to make sure my running habit isn't killing polar bears and sea otters? Man, FWPs

I Can't Really Distinguish "Want" From "Need"

But I fucking need a better pool floatie. Man, FWPs

Unlike Monte Python, I Don't Like Traffic Lights

Longest. Stoplight. Ever. Man, FWPs

Yeah, This Is How I Roll

So many galas, so little time. Man, FWPs

The Burdens Of Friendship

Trying to stay in touch with people who aren't in the same state as I am is taking way too much time away from my drinking. Man, FWPs

Velo News Problems, Part Deux

Sam Johnson:
Want to know my FWP? The spokes on my race wheels keep de-threading.
Fri at 1:07 am

Christine Chang
Your FREE CARBON race wheels.
Fri at 1:09am

There's nothing worse than when free equipment worth hundreds of dollars just doesn't quite work right. Man, FWPs

Velo News Problems

From the Facebook page of blogger (and FWP-haver) extraordinaire, Sam Johnson:

This pissing me off right now: 1. phone coverage here in Redlands. 2. after a careful reading of the contract for my health insurance plan, realizing that I am probably not covered for racing related accidents. Let's hope health insurance reform helps me out some.
Thu at 10:11pm

Man, FWPs

Knock Knock.

Dear Alex,

It's not rocket appliances, it's a shift key.

Sincerely,

Man, FWPs

Josh Hartnett Or Johnny Depp (Yes Homo)

after my parents FINALLY upgraded our internet, i'm now confronted with the dilemma of whether i want to spend my afternoon watching donnie brasco or 40 days and 40 nights on netflix instant. yesterday was a big romcom afternoon (katherine heigl brought some dece pre-work LOLs), so i might wanna change it up. but i don't know. Man, FWPs

My Mother Actually Told Me This After Watching A Documentary (?!?) On The Topic

Did you know that cell phones give you brain cancer? Man, FWPs

Runner's World Problems (Part 2 Of A ? Part Series)

No, you can't have your marathon finishers' shirt, because (as you should be able to tell from its name) it's only for people who actually finished the marathon. Man, FWPs

Runner's World Problems (Part 1 Of A ? Part Series)

So as most (all?) of this blog's readers know, I'm interning with the a marathon this spring; as most of you don't know, we ran a few hundred short of medals, race t-shirts, and our pre-race gifts. As such, we (justifiably) received some complaints. Despite the complaints' justifiability, not getting a $5 medal, $6 tech shirt, or $7 backpack after being wealthy enough to shell out around $100 for race entry; healthy enough to run either 13.1 or 26.2 miles; lucky enough to do so on a gorgeous day when near-freezing temperatures, rain, and high winds were predicted; and to be able to do all of it on the roads (many of them major thoroughfares) of a metropolitan area (over 1.5 million people) that have been closed for hours at some inconvenience to the general population purely for the entirely esoteric purpose of allowing 13,000 people with Vaseline rubbed on their inner thighs and nipples to run around in short shorts (only to finish up just eight blocks away from where they started) is the FUCKING DEFINITION of a first world problem. Man, FWPs

I'm Sure This Racist Somehow

The bank was closed when I wanted to deposit my checks, but because they were uniquely-formatted paychecks the instant-deposit slot on the ATM wouldn't accept them. Man, FWPs

Somehow This Is Isn't Surprising

I think I accidentally joined the "gay gym" in my new town. Man, FWPs

I Don't Know Whether This Piece Of Technology Does Or Doesn't Make My Life Easier

I just went in on an mlb.tv account with my roommate, as I do every spring, and tonight I discovered that MLB archives great games from the past and allows you to watch them online in their entirety with an mlb.tv account. I just wasted 45 minutes of my life watching Kerry Wood's 1998 20-strikeout game. I'm sure that will only be the beginning. Man, FWPs

You Gotta Know When To Hold 'Em

I am on a multi-week cold streak and have fallen well behind my roommate in our almost-endless series of a card game which is near-entirely pure luck. And I want to kill myself because of it. Man, FWPs

Forget What You Thought About Heaven, This Shit Will Blow Your Mind

thisthisthisthisthisthisthisthisthisthisthisthisthis.

First World Solutions.

But It Is The Internet... It Can't Fail Me.

Despite the fact that there are a billion and a half hours of winter olympics to be watched right now and nearly as many atheltes competing, NBC selfishly chooses to snow a minor fraction of what I want while covering all sorts of unimportant things like some speedskater's wife who is recently out of work and has a 5 month old baby. Who cares? I want to watch snowboarding and nbc won't even let me do that via the INTERNET. I thought that was the point of the internet. Give me what I want when I wan it. Man, FWPs

Cross-Country Excellence: The White Man's Burden

"I think you're going to have to look past the first world teams to find that camaraderie. Lo-o-ot of money poured into these ski programs for such disappointing finishes." Man, FWPs

Another Way My Work Computer Sucks

It only has Microsoft Office 2003, so I can't view any of your fancy .docx or .xlsx files. Man, FWPs

More Like Kathryn

"My maid totally cleaned my PS3 with soap and water." Man, FWPs

ColdStone

After being convinced to get a medium ice cream at ColdStone because it was only $0.40 cents more than a small, I have eaten 1/3 of it and can't move. There is just too much to much deliciousness to eat. Man, FWPs

Katharine's Audition Tape

My iPhone touchscreen doesn't work with gloves on. Man, FWPs

Sugar And Spice And Everything Nice

Cleaning the garlic press is a fucking bitch. Man, FWPs

If I had a motorcycle I would be there by now. Man, FWPs

Damn You, Zuckerberg!

Facebook has changed its layout yet again . Man, FWPs

Enhance...Enhance...

the only thing shittier than megavideo's "74 minutes of video per three hour period" policy is the fact that i have to use megavideo because my parents won't spring for tivo, non-basic cable or internet based on technology more advanced than two tin cans and some string. sofa king we todd head. Man, (e-)FWPs

Clever Girl

There is no satisfactory (or existent) discussion on the internet re: "What if dry land in Waterworld turned out to be Isla Nublar?" Man, FWPs

Good Thing I'm Not Trying To Be The Best At School, Either

Because if I were, this problem would really grind my gears. An excerpt:
" 'The nightmare scenario, if you will, is that you apply with a 3.5 from Princeton and someone just as smart as you applies with a 3.8 from Yale,' said Daniel E. Rauch, a senior from Millburn, N.J." Man, FWPs

Computing Like It's 1999

My work computer is so old that I can't even watch youtube videos on it. Man, FWPs

Yes. Um, No. We're Between Lawyers Right Now.

The United States Constitution states that I, specifically, have to be at the United Sates District Court (Western Division) tomorrow at 7:45AM in "formal business attire" (pants) for a trial by jury/sucking. More like Founding Dicks. Man, FWPs

Am I Doing This Right?

while watching a DVD on my parents' 40-inch flatscreen television, i realized that the homemade, artisanal pizza that my mother cooked for me didn't have enough cheese on it. not about to grate that shit by hand. Man, FWPs

Multiple Personality Disorder... Thanks Google

In order to keep track of work and my personal life I have multiple google accounts but I can only be signed in to one at a time, so half the time I want to do something on google I have to sign out and sign back in and the other half the time I try to use one account thinking it is the other, get distracted and then can't remember what I was doing. Man, FWPs

Even If I Were Trying To Be The Best At Exercise, I Would Fail

My IT band is really tight and causing me a bit of pain when I run, so I foam rolled it tonight in hopes of loosening it up and now it hurts even more. Man, FWPs

A Winter Wonderland, It Ain't

I went snowshoeing in the neighborhood cemetery last night, and all of the roads were either entirely plowed--causing me to have to slog through the three feet of powder just of the road lest I damage my mother's snowshoes--or entirely unplowed, causing me to have to slog through the three feet of powder on the road. Why don't the plowmen think of upper-middle-class white people who fetishize suburban outdoor activities when they do their job? Man, FWPs

I Have A Dream

that MLKJR day is not not a day I can get my Ambien refilled. Man, FWPs

Texts From Last Night, Meet E-Mails From My Brother

Subject: Not Haitian Problems

"Our dad pays our cellphone bill (family plan), so in order to donate my own money to Haiti I had to ask my girlfriend donate to the Red Cross via text message on her phone, and then pay her back in cash, which was infantilizing and ultimately less convenient than just doing it online.

Man, FWPs"

Being Drunk Is Hard

I just posted here, when I meant to post to the Good Beer Night blog. Man, FWPs

Be Cool, World.

Always with the putting on pants. Man, FWPs

Spotty Service: Tell Me About It

And Carolina really likes snacks. Man, FWPs

Spotty Service

I have bad cellphone reception in my kitchen so every time I'm on the phone and want a snack I have to run the risk of dropping a call. Man, FWPs

Way To Spoil Everything, Mom

There's the Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream . . . but where's the chocolate syrup? Man, FWPs

It Means Global Piece Of Shit

My GPS seriously takes like 20 seconds to load the local maps and calculate directions in my neighborhood. Man, FWPs

"People", Seriously

Going to go condo shopping but that means I have to get on the phone AGAIN and talk to PEOPLE. Man, FWPs

Q: Was I Always This Big A Pussy?

I'm concerned that the anti-hangover pills that my mom gave me after I drank the better part of a bottle of champagne (most of it directly out of the bottle, like a classy lady) will not, in fact, leave me sans hangover in the morning. Man, FWPs

The BCS Is A Cartel

Midway through the first quarter of the Orange Bowl all the local TV networks froze, which admittedly only reduced my number of available channels from 187 to 182, but the only thing I wanted to watch (well, other than Law & Order: SVU, Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Food Wars: Barbecue) was on one of the frozen five! Man, FWPs

Flying is hard

While I was drinking ginger ale and watching Teen Mom on my flight back to Seattle, the audio cut out for like 30 seconds and I ALMOST missed the hilarious moment where Farrah's dad found her birth control in the refrigerator.

Man, FWPs

Chipotle-Away

I downloaded the Chipotle app for my iPhone to streamline my burrito ordering. Sadly, they neglected to include the "Quesadilla Burrito" option. Guess I'll go wait in line.

Man, FWPs

There Was An Old Lady

1. Want (need) the Google Chrome 2. Need to upgrade the OS X to support the Google Chrome 3. Need a disk to upgrade the OS X to support the Google Chrome 4. Need to get out the Rome disk that's been stuck in the drive since June to insert the new disk to install the OS X upgrade to support the Google Chrome. Man, FWPs

Gonna Break My Axle

If this last week were Oregon Trail, there would be a rations pace and it would be set to grueling. Man, FWPs

Companies Whose Names Sounds Like A Civil Union

So my parents have been getting me a box of pears from Harry and David for my birthday every year since I-don't-know-when. But my birthday is December 27th, so Messieurs H & D always assume that my pears need to be delivered before Christmas (which, I don't know if you were aware, like, everyone in the whole world celebrates); this year they got there so early that my dad had to give them to me before my birthday (!!1!!!1!) so they didn't go bad and then get H & D to deliver another box--on top of the third box of pears which my mother go me for my birthday. I am now obligated to eat about a million-billion pears or else be a bad son. Man, FWPs

Drinkin' In A Winter Wonderland

I went out for a run and was supposed to meet up with my mom while she was snowshoeing in the cemetery. But I couldn't find her, so I didn't get to have a nip out of her flask as a mid-run pick-me-up. Man, FWPs

Nobody (on this coast, at least) takes the LOTR game seriously enough. Man, FWPs

A. "Chipotle is so far from my house, it's like a fucking ten minute drive."
B. "They don't even have the quesadilla burrito posted on the menu."
Man, FWPs