Computing Like It's 1999

My work computer is so old that I can't even watch youtube videos on it. Man, FWPs

Yes. Um, No. We're Between Lawyers Right Now.

The United States Constitution states that I, specifically, have to be at the United Sates District Court (Western Division) tomorrow at 7:45AM in "formal business attire" (pants) for a trial by jury/sucking. More like Founding Dicks. Man, FWPs

Am I Doing This Right?

while watching a DVD on my parents' 40-inch flatscreen television, i realized that the homemade, artisanal pizza that my mother cooked for me didn't have enough cheese on it. not about to grate that shit by hand. Man, FWPs

Multiple Personality Disorder... Thanks Google

In order to keep track of work and my personal life I have multiple google accounts but I can only be signed in to one at a time, so half the time I want to do something on google I have to sign out and sign back in and the other half the time I try to use one account thinking it is the other, get distracted and then can't remember what I was doing. Man, FWPs

Even If I Were Trying To Be The Best At Exercise, I Would Fail

My IT band is really tight and causing me a bit of pain when I run, so I foam rolled it tonight in hopes of loosening it up and now it hurts even more. Man, FWPs

A Winter Wonderland, It Ain't

I went snowshoeing in the neighborhood cemetery last night, and all of the roads were either entirely plowed--causing me to have to slog through the three feet of powder just of the road lest I damage my mother's snowshoes--or entirely unplowed, causing me to have to slog through the three feet of powder on the road. Why don't the plowmen think of upper-middle-class white people who fetishize suburban outdoor activities when they do their job? Man, FWPs

I Have A Dream

that MLKJR day is not not a day I can get my Ambien refilled. Man, FWPs

Texts From Last Night, Meet E-Mails From My Brother

Subject: Not Haitian Problems

"Our dad pays our cellphone bill (family plan), so in order to donate my own money to Haiti I had to ask my girlfriend donate to the Red Cross via text message on her phone, and then pay her back in cash, which was infantilizing and ultimately less convenient than just doing it online.

Man, FWPs"

Being Drunk Is Hard

I just posted here, when I meant to post to the Good Beer Night blog. Man, FWPs

Be Cool, World.

Always with the putting on pants. Man, FWPs

Spotty Service: Tell Me About It

And Carolina really likes snacks. Man, FWPs

Spotty Service

I have bad cellphone reception in my kitchen so every time I'm on the phone and want a snack I have to run the risk of dropping a call. Man, FWPs

Way To Spoil Everything, Mom

There's the Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream . . . but where's the chocolate syrup? Man, FWPs

It Means Global Piece Of Shit

My GPS seriously takes like 20 seconds to load the local maps and calculate directions in my neighborhood. Man, FWPs

"People", Seriously

Going to go condo shopping but that means I have to get on the phone AGAIN and talk to PEOPLE. Man, FWPs

Q: Was I Always This Big A Pussy?

I'm concerned that the anti-hangover pills that my mom gave me after I drank the better part of a bottle of champagne (most of it directly out of the bottle, like a classy lady) will not, in fact, leave me sans hangover in the morning. Man, FWPs

The BCS Is A Cartel

Midway through the first quarter of the Orange Bowl all the local TV networks froze, which admittedly only reduced my number of available channels from 187 to 182, but the only thing I wanted to watch (well, other than Law & Order: SVU, Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Food Wars: Barbecue) was on one of the frozen five! Man, FWPs

Flying is hard

While I was drinking ginger ale and watching Teen Mom on my flight back to Seattle, the audio cut out for like 30 seconds and I ALMOST missed the hilarious moment where Farrah's dad found her birth control in the refrigerator.

Man, FWPs

Chipotle-Away

I downloaded the Chipotle app for my iPhone to streamline my burrito ordering. Sadly, they neglected to include the "Quesadilla Burrito" option. Guess I'll go wait in line.

Man, FWPs

There Was An Old Lady

1. Want (need) the Google Chrome 2. Need to upgrade the OS X to support the Google Chrome 3. Need a disk to upgrade the OS X to support the Google Chrome 4. Need to get out the Rome disk that's been stuck in the drive since June to insert the new disk to install the OS X upgrade to support the Google Chrome. Man, FWPs

Gonna Break My Axle

If this last week were Oregon Trail, there would be a rations pace and it would be set to grueling. Man, FWPs

Companies Whose Names Sounds Like A Civil Union

So my parents have been getting me a box of pears from Harry and David for my birthday every year since I-don't-know-when. But my birthday is December 27th, so Messieurs H & D always assume that my pears need to be delivered before Christmas (which, I don't know if you were aware, like, everyone in the whole world celebrates); this year they got there so early that my dad had to give them to me before my birthday (!!1!!!1!) so they didn't go bad and then get H & D to deliver another box--on top of the third box of pears which my mother go me for my birthday. I am now obligated to eat about a million-billion pears or else be a bad son. Man, FWPs

Drinkin' In A Winter Wonderland

I went out for a run and was supposed to meet up with my mom while she was snowshoeing in the cemetery. But I couldn't find her, so I didn't get to have a nip out of her flask as a mid-run pick-me-up. Man, FWPs

Nobody (on this coast, at least) takes the LOTR game seriously enough. Man, FWPs

A. "Chipotle is so far from my house, it's like a fucking ten minute drive."
B. "They don't even have the quesadilla burrito posted on the menu."
Man, FWPs